I recently got embroiled in a heated debate about rape culture. The debate ended then someone started it up again, convinced they were slaying dragons by defending the asshat who stated;

“I am sick and tired of people outside the club <names removed to protect club members> spewing stories about their personal misfortunes on …. social media” – President of a local kink club (again, name removed)

He then goes on ad nauseam about how rape victims and those who’ve had their consent violated (hereafter referred to as “survivors”) are horrible people for talking about their experiences online. He states that their online stories may harm the person that violated consent. He even calls these stories “defamatory” and illegal as they violate the rights of the accused.

Yes, you can hear my brain screeching to a halt there.

Then this president, whom you’d think would know enough to halt the rant there, goes on to state there is no “kink police” and that survivors should be responsible for their own problems. Let me translate; if you get violated, that’s your tough titty. According to him, it’s the survivor’s problem and they should deal with it, not the group. That the group shouldn’t have to be involved in the survivor’s problem and, he goes on, if it’s something that happened with a club member outside of club activities then the survivor should;

“deal with it like all other people deal with a assault, go to the authorities. I do not think any club can be the fixers of all the things gone wrong in your life.”

And people wonder why I don’t go to kink activities in my city.

So now you have the background. Now let me tell you my reaction. My reaction to this was immediate and extreme. I reacted like any survivor would; my inner bitch came out. Actually, what happened is I became Chernobyl and blew up on their asses. I YELLED! I screamed! I ranted! I raved and…. I gave statistics. I got to the point of spittle flying out of my mouth and my fingers flying across the keyboard. I cried at points and had my stomach twist into knots. I was rationally out of control. I used facts punctuated with swear words. To be clear, I got angry.

The president’s supporters came back at me with this; “why are you getting so angry? You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”

Shit works, too.

I’m not catching flies. The time to be nice about all of this is over. The time to sit back and calmly debate sides is done. I’m not going to sit over tea and talk with this president. I’m going to yell and scream and rant and let spittle fly. Because I’m angry and I think that those in the kink community should be on the front lines stopping this kind of behaviour and thinking. Kink is on the edges of what society thinks is acceptable and, as such, we need to take charge and lead the way to change.

It’s more than that, though.

When I read this posting, I saw all the accused pointing fingers at survivors and claiming they were making false accusations. I saw all the survivors who will never speak out because of this thinking. I saw all those who’d been silenced.

Statistics tell us that 2 – 8% of all reported sexual assault accusations are discovered to be false. This number may, in fact, be lower as some survivors will claim they made it all up just to make it go away. I don’t know so we’ll go with 2%.

So that means 2 out of every 100 reported sexual assaults are false accusations.

Yet, 100% of survivors are accused of making false accusations.

I’m not looking to this club to make life better as the president seems to think. I’m looking to them to own up to their responsibility and support those brave few individuals who do come forward. I’m looking to this club to set an example for the kink community. I’m looking to this club to simply stop perpetuating rape culture. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

So why did I get as angry as I did? What purpose, other than to alienate local kink people, did it serve?

I’m a writer and I speak for those who have no voice. I scream for those who can’t and I cry for those who hide their tears. They can’t get angry so I have to do it for them. The time for polite conversation is over and I’m through being nice. It’s time to demand a change within our own community and take responsibility.

It’s time to get angry over rape culture.

It’s time to stop defending the 2%.

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