Chain_BDSM_Corset_WristsLast week I was asked why I would want to be hit. I didn’t have to think about it. I like the sting of the slap on my ass. I like how it feels and the thrill it gives me. The person stared at me in horror and proceeded to threaten their spouse should they ever think to hit them. I wondered about the marriage in question if this person was so quick to threaten them but I said nothing. This person then got angry at me and told me I needed help and should seek psychiatric care and possibly medications. They then turned abusive to me and told me that there was something wrong with me.

I put the brakes on the conversation and asked why they were so angry. Self-righteously I was told that no woman ever wants to get hit. Hitting was abuse and that was that. The subject was so black and white for this person that I no longer talk to them. Which is sad because I truly did enjoy our conversations.

It got me to thinking, though. There is a very clear line between abuse and BDSM and most people don’t understand what it is. So I thought I’d devote this week’s blog to making that line a little clearer. I hope that by doing so more people will understand and, by understanding, they will be more willing to speak up against abuse.

  • Control – In an abusive relationship, the abuser removes all control from the victim. It’s a no-win situation that leads to learned helplessness. We’ve all asked, “why don’t they just leave?” The truth is they can’t. They’ve learned, over time, that no matter what action they take they will end up on the losing end. If you were in a situation that there was simply no happy ending for you, you’d curl up in a ball and give up, too.

    In BDSM, control is never taken from the other person without consent. There is an exchange of power and energy and that’s part of the appeal. As a sub or bottom, I can relinquish my control to my Dom or Top. I often tell people I kneel because I choose to not because I’m forced to. I know I have control even though I’ve given it over because I can always take it back again.

  • Safety – Abusers don’t care about their victim’s safety. Every year many abuse victims wind up in hospitals or the morgue because their abusers just didn’t give a fuck. Many victims suffer long-term damage from the abuse, both physical and emotional. This damage lasts years or is sometimes permanent. Yet, if you ask the abusers, they simply don’t care. Abusers will often launch into excuses as to why it was necessary or why they did it. At no time do they ever think about their victims.

    A Dom’s first concern is his sub’s safety. During a scene you’ll often hear a Dom asking, “are you doing all right?” or “is everything ok?” A Dom will often stop a scene even if his sub says they’re okay just because they’re concerned for safety issues. Good Doms will take time and effort to learn their craft. They talk to others and are very careful about what they’re doing. A whack across the bottom with a cane can be fun but it can do damage if you don’t know what you’re doing. Even a spanking with a hand can do damage if you don’t do it right. That’s why Doms are forever watching their subs and learning their craft.

  • Communication – Abusers don’t care what their victims have to say. As a matter of fact, they go to great lengths to shut them up and remove their voices. Secrecy is an abuser’s greatest weapon. Keeping things in the dark is their greatest ally and if their victims don’t talk, they don’t have to hear what a shithead they’re being. They’re not interested in what their victim has to say.

    Many subs are confident, assertive people outside a scene. They have no problem making their desires known and are very vocal about it. This is what many Doms say attracts them. When working a BDSM scene, it is vital that all participants know they will speak up if there’s a problem. BDSM is edgy play and that’s part of the appeal and the only way it works if everyone participates fully. Think of it like skydiving. It can be dangerous and fun if all the safety rules are followed. Part of that is making sure all the gear is in good working order, that everyone knows what they’re doing and no one does anything stupid. You respect the tools and your partners because it’s stupid and dangerous to do otherwise.

There is a big difference between abuse and BDSM. A little understanding of the difference might make people more willing to speak out against abuse and that can help stop it. BDSM can be fun if both parties take their roles seriously and understand what they need to ensure the experience is a safe and enjoyable one.

 

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