The problem with closed-minded people is that their mouth is always openI was recently subjected to a Twitter war on the subject of male circumcision. Now, to set the record straight, cut or uncut, I enjoy them all. Just keep it clean. However, within minutes of me asking a friend to clarify a statement he made, I was subject to the kind of abuse that can only happen on Twitter. I am remarkable when dealing with online losers who use hate to make their point; I get very creative in attempting to annoy them. I think it’s hilarious to see them spin out of control. At one point I was accused of raping little boys because I believe circumcision to be a parent’s choice and no one else’s business.

Suffice it to say, I did learn a lesson here though it wasn’t the one they wanted me to learn. I learned how to be a condescending, self-righteous, obnoxious twit. This is a valuable lesson that I felt the need to pass on.

If you ever need to win your own Twitter war and are at a loss how to do it, then just follow these simple rules guaranteed to win your war. vegan

  1. Yell loud. Yell lots. Forget logic, yell. Repeatedly. Often. It doesn’t matter what you’re yelling, so long as you’re yelling. Remember, volume will win converts where thoughtful conversation won’t.
  2. Pictures. The more graphic the images, the better off you are. Blood always wins you points but if you can include a starving African child with a distended belly, a severely injured animal looking lost and pathetic or a wise old person, you get bonus points.
  3. Memes. This goes along with the pictures but the captions on the pictures are important, too. Memes give you more points. If you can make a common saying work for you, fantastic! If not, twist it around until it does.
  4. Guilt. Remember, anyone who opposes you is a horrible person and deserves to feel guilty. Use anything you feel will twist their guts in a knot. Accuse them of rape, racism, abuse, even kicking little old ladies. It doesn’t matter if they’re guilty or not or even if it has to do with your point. You need to bring them DOWN and fast by any means necessary. This is not a task for the faint of heart.
  5. Type fast. Send as many tweets as you can to your opponent. Be sure to get your supporters to send them tweets, too. The idea here is to flood them before they have a chance to think. If you can flood them with enough messages, they’ll give up and you’ve won.
  6. Hate. This is your enemy. This is your sworn foe. You hate them and everyone else must hate them or they are your foe’s friends and your enemy. Feed them your hate. Make it publically known how much you hate them. Hate them for all you’re worth. This is no time for such nonsense as understanding and compromise.
  7. Righteousness. Always remember your way is the only way. You’re right and they’re wrong no matter how reasonable, how logical their argument may seem. This is smoke and mirrors. Logic and reason cannot stand when confronted by your self-righteous vitriol.

Follow these simple rules and you will win your own Twitter war. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong, what matters is that you spew your passion for your opinion as often, as loudly and as far as you can. After all, you’re not here to find a solution, you’re here to win a war! Now, get out there and do yourselves proud.