I hate Disney.

I mean, let’s face it. Other than the song, “Let it Go” from Frozen it’s pretty much a douche-bag remix. The main reason that song doesn’t suck is because Idina Menzel has an amazing voice. That and the song is great when you’re feeling pretty sucky about yourself vs. the world. But as for the rest? Disney is a grab bag of shit.

Except for one queen.


When I first saw The Little Mermaid, Ariel bored the snot out of me. Typical Disney princess with the size zero waistline and perky tits with a fairy light singing voice. I’ve seen them all before and, other than the names and hair colour, nothing changes. I can paint a picture of a Disney princess with my eyes closed. Full, red lips; large, luminous eyes; tiny waist with acceptably curvy hips; impossibly long legs with that ever fashionable thigh gap and creamy skin. Not a blemish or pimple anywhere. She never looks like she’s had a bad hair day and her makeup is light enough to give the illusion that it’s part of her natural colouring.

Let’s face it, Ariel is a cookie cutter version of what a woman should be and hardly impressive. Ariel isn’t complete until she enters some contest to win her prince when she magically transforms into a whole person. She runs a gauntlet of disappointments and misadventures all for some belief that being married to a prince and living happily ever after is the only real prize a woman should ever want in her life.

So Ariel bores me and the entire movie probably would have been a waste for me if it hadn’t been for…. her.

While watching the movie I became entranced by an amazing character unlike any other I’ve ever seen in a Disney movie. A wonderfully curvaceous creature clad in a skin tight, black gown with a sweetheart neckline. Lipstick so red it made your blood pound and unabashedly teal blue eyeshadow framed by long, sexy, night black eyelashes. Hair a stark white blaze that stands like a flame, moving with every sashay and glide.

Ursula isn’t just the evil queen, she is the embodiment of female sexuality without restraint. She doesn’t hide her curves or apologize for them. She revels in the them and displays them for the world to see and worship. Her amazingly full, soft breasts stand as a glorious testament to her sex. This is not the timid princess running from evil, nor is she the shameful queen performing her magic in a dark, dank corner. Ursula performs her magic for the world to see, unashamed of it. No, indeed, Ursula uses her magic in a debauchery of self-actualization. She stands before the world proclaiming,

This is me!

She does not care if you love her or hate her. Ursula knows who she is and she feasts on it in a bacchanal orgy of self. Her two pets are electric eels who worship her as much as she does herself. Dangerous pets that can sting if you get too close. Just as Ursula has a sting for those who cross her.

Forget Ariel.

What has she to offer? A voice she can’t use? A pair of small tits and tight ass? Ariel chases after the Prince like a dog chasing a ball, hoping he will make her life complete. Ariel embodies that chase that Disney and the media says is the most noble of all pursuits; the Prince and Princess, happily ever after. Only after she is purified by her prince is Ariel able to explore her sexuality. Behind closed doors and with the lights off, of course.

Ursula is what I imagine a superior woman can be. She needs no one other than herself. Her power gives her the ability to enhance any relationship she chooses to engage in whether it is sanctioned by society or not. Ursula is not ashamed of her femininity and she never hides it though she is told that to be this way is evil and wrong.

It is a shame that Disney made Ursula the evil queen, don’t you think? Perhaps instead of parading stick thin, impossibly beautiful dolls in front of children, Disney could devote some time and energy into creating more characters like Ursula. A woman who is strong and powerful and does not need the sanction of a king or prince to be who she is. A woman of curves and power. I think that’s a better role model than a girl who barters away her voice so she can pursue some man she doesn’t even know.

If women are ever to claim their right to stand as equals in society, we need to look less to Ariel as a role model and take a few lessons from Ursula. Even if it’s only how to sashay with unabashedly elegant grace.